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Funny and Weird Golf Stories (1)

The Cursing Nun

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it," the nun said.

"When did you use this awful language?" the Mother Superior asks.

Answered the nun: "Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee."

"Is that when you cursed?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, no," says the nun.

"As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the &!#&%#%! putt, didn't you?"

From: Golf.About.Com (Joke submitted by George V.)




Did I Do That?

Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn't in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.

Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, ""Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?"

"Yes," Chuck replied, "yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?"

"Did you happen to hook your tee shot?" the policeman asked.

"Yes, I did," replied Chuck.

"Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?" the policeman asked.

"Why, yes, it did," said Chuck.

"Why are you asking me these questions?"

The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: "Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. That driver's car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!"

The policeman's voice was rising with consternation. "The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!"

The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. "What do you think you should do about all this?" he finally asked Chuck.

Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied. "Well," Chuck said, "I think I'll try opening my stance a little."

From: Golf.About.Com




A Cheater and a Liar

Lee and Gary head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Lee turns to Gary and says, "What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for $5?" Gary agrees, and they start their rounds.

It's a great game, and the two lifelong friends reach the No. 9 tee box with Gary ahead by one stroke. After Lee hits a great drive, right down the middle, Gary steps up and promptly hooks a ball into deep rough and trees.

"C'mon," Gary says to Lee, "help me find my ball. I'll look in this patch of trees, and you look around over there."

They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The five-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. Gary gets desparate. He gives a quick glance over to Lee to see if he is looking, then swiftly reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.

"Found my ball!" Gary shouts out triumphantly.

Lee looks at his friend with great disappointment.

"After all the years we've been friends," Lee says, "you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat?" Gary asks indignantly. "I found my ball sitting right here!"

Lee lets out a heavy sigh. "And you'd lie to me, too? All for a tiny little sum of money? You'd cheat me and lie to me, for what? For five bucks? I can't believe you'd stoop so low."

"Well what makes you so sure I'm cheating and lying, anyway?" Gary asks.

"Because," Lee replies, "I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

From: Golf.About.Com




The Genie

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey,be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair".

Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.

He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do."

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said.

"And now," the couple both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon.

Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No shit! Thirty-five years old and both you idiots still believe in genies?"

From: Poddys.Com




The Golf Match

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

From: Poddys.Com





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