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Golf Jokes (2)

OUCH!

A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife was severely stung by a bee.

The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.

"Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband.

"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"

From: Poddys.Com




THE SPLINT

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So the doc takes four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

From: Poddys.Com




DON'T HIT THE BALL

A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

From: Poddys.Com




PREGNANT GOLF

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

From: Poddys.Com




PAY TO PLAY

There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives objections, so one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"

The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!"

They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!

The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"

From: Poddys.Com




THE LONE GOLFER

A foursome of golfers watch a lone player play up short of the green they are on.

As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out.

He almost runs to the tee where the foursome is.

He looks at the bewildered players and says: "I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".

From: Poddys.Com




TWO DWARVES PLAYING GOLF

Two dwarfs were on a golf vacation, and after playing 36 holes on the first day, they hit the local bar.

After a few drinks, they decided to pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, was unable to get an erection. His depression was made worse by the fact that from the next room he heard cries of "One, two, three ... uhh!" all night long.

On the first tee the next morning, the second dwarf asked the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he cried. "I couldn't even get on the damn bed!"

From: Poddys.Com




THE WORST GOLF FOURSOME EVER

1) Monica Lewinsky

2) OJ Simpson

3) Ted Kennedy

4) Bill Clinton

WHY YOU ASK?

1) Monica Is A Hooker

2) OJ Is A Slicer

3) Ted Kennedy Can't Drive Over The Water, and

4) Bill Clinton Can't Remember Which Hole He Played Last!

From: Poddys.Com




STREAKER

There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long.

Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway.

In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy ... isn't that Dick Green?"

"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"

From: Poddys.Com





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Golf Humor

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